A guide to the dark side

Alledgedly planners are the 'voice of the consumer', 'the voice of objectivity' and many other well-worn monickers. You know, the saintly, pure, unflinching voice of logic and reason. Only planners can tame the rampant, red in tooth and claw nature of the creatives, or the 'how high Sir' tendency of suits - all by our admirable devotion to truth, justice and the strategic way.

 

But dark planners know different. They know that truth and justice is too much like hard work. Few planners are allowed into the secret society of Dark Planners and learn the naughty tricks that have been secretly passed down through generations. But, risking the wrath of this secretive, but powerful society, here are the easiest 5.

1. Know some core pithy, de rigeur phrases and deploy carefully. Rather than having to 'know stuff' just bamboozle clients and colleagues alike with bollocks planning speak that sounds really clever but means very little. For example, blah blah blah, 'WE NEED AN IDEA WE CAN ADVERTISE, RATHER THAN AN ADVERTISING IDEA', blah blah blah, 'THIS IS A GENUINE TRANS MEDIA IDEA', blah blah blah, 'WE SHOULD SET UP AN SCRM CO-CREATION PANEL THROUGH SOCIAL MEDIA' blah blah blah blah, 'WE PROPOSE INSPECTING THE CULTURE BEFORE CORE COMPETENCIES'

2. Make friends with research Most researchers spend their lonely evenings in viewing facilities in Slough or Derby. Extend the hand of friendship and they'll welcome it with tearful joy. Buy them a coffee, compliment their choice of attire they'll be only too willing to 'collaborate' on the finding and recommendations.

3. Monkey with the animatic Pre-testing is dull and promotes dullness. Collaborate with the producer to get cunningly boost the sound levels for brand name mentions and core messaging.

4. Always start with your conclusion, then make the evidence mind shatteringly dull. You want everyone to think you take small, careful baby steps towards a rigourous, well rounded strategic gem of a conclusion. But life can be too short. Sometimes you just know it's right, and have better things to do than reassure the bean counters. So start with you shiny conscusion and make it jaw droppingly gripping, pretty and inspiring. Then take them through the flimsy, hastilly gathered evidence that you've put into the dullest. most impemetrable chart you could find

5. Insert a glaring mistake into everything All creatives ignore the brief if it's perfect. Why? They want to have thought of everything themselves. So insert one or two fatal flaws, let them correct you and they'll work from the brief with the gusto of Charlie Sheen in a buy one get one free brothel. Client's are no different, they want to think they've made the big strategic breakthrough. So make sure you present something crushingly, obviously wrong and let them correct you. They'll naturally assume they've saved the day and rewritten the marketing paradigm and sign off the strategy with said Charlie Sheen enthusiasm. In other words, don't waste valueable time and energy crafting perfection, take the easy route with craft imperfection.

Comments

[Dave Mortimer]

I like this post.

It's like a bad 80's crime fighting show, where your evil moustachieod twin brother has taken over the blog without us knowing.

[northern]

Wario

[Gemma Bridges]

Hmm I like it, I like it a lot but don't think you're my friend anymore post researcher comment. I don't drink coffee anymore ;)

[Nike shox]

Great! We finally see star luo he too handsome so cool I love him to death cough up...