Resilience is overrated

I love cycling, glued to the Tour de France this month.

Most think winning the Tour is a feat of individual endurance and it is.

But no can win without a team shield shielding them from the wind for most of the race.

 

When I was a competitive swimmer, it was incredibly hard. 

5 hours training a day, 7 years when my shoulders constantly ached.

I could never have done it without the people I trained with.

The friendship, support and simple feeling of not going through it alone. 

 

Which is why, when I  read Fortitude, a book that puncture's the myth of resilience, it made immediate sense. 

In a nutshell, extraordinary performers are driven by a trauma in earlier life.

It makes them winners in their fields but losers in real life, too focused on winning at all costs.

Many incredibly successful  but empty inside. 

Real, healthy ability to perform and deal with problems comes from connection to others. 

And having a purpose you care about. 

Living out of your comfort zone, but never so far the elastic snaps. 

 

Unfortunately, my early experiences of agencies was not like my experiences of swimming.

No one buoyed you up, it was sink or  swim (see when I did there).

I'll be honest, I started out in client services and failed. 

I was never going to make it because I'm too disorganised and honest to a fault.

But the culture back then didn't help, bullying was rife, blame was a weapon, survive or die. 

You could say it was a trauma, so you learned to be tough, to be 'resilient'.

I still shudder to think about some of the senior people I used to work for, but now I think I understand.

They had gone through exactly the same and didn't know any other way. 

They were still proving something to themselves.

Not knowing how to live, still fighting to survive.

Abusers were once the abused. 

 

I feel sorry for many of them now. 

I'm not totally immune though. 

I can still overpromise, stressing alone rather than admit weakness, because once you couldn't say no. 

I push too hard for excellence because once upon a time, nothing was good enough. 

I still get that sinking feeling when a stressful pitch is over. 

And feel more relieved at winning than elated. 

These, thankfully are exceptions, not  rules. 

 

Now I work like. used to swim.   

Working out of my comfort zone, but not too far.

Never letting others down, but learning to say no. 

Demanding the best from others, but knowing the best comes from happy people, not zombies.

Riding into the wind for others sometimes, sometimes letting them do it too. 

Looking for ways to collectively improve, not blame. 

 

There are still many out there who are brutal on themselves and others.

Who think you need to bleed at the cutting edge. 

Don't let them pass on what they have learned.

Help them get off their masochistic treadmill. 

For their wellbeing and yours. 

You are not you're job. 

You're enough. 

Comments

[Matt]

Thanks for penning this. Having started out in the London media buying agencies, so much rings true. Now running an agency and have 'broken the chain' and always keeping an eye on observed which quickly become expected behaviours. Saying no remains a work in progress!